(Not) Love
by BluStrawberri
Summary: "He heard the shower turn off and the padding of feet on the tiled floor. Dan froze like a deer in headlights as he saw the doorknob turn slowly. " Dan wrestles with his feelings for a certain ebony-haired boy, and is caught doing something that he shouldn't. How will both boys react when Phil brings it up? Amazingphil danisnotonfire Phan PhilxDan Rated M for a reason!


A/N: Hey, all! This one took a little while because I just haven't found the time to write a lot of stories lately, what with school, work, and friends. I'm proud of this, though. If you notice my stories taking a turn for the Mature, it's because I've finally found my niche in writing smut. I live vicariously through my writing? I don't know. It's just a good feeling to be able to write something that has taken me a while to get down on paper. This one is a bit sappy, despite the first part, but I'm happy with it. I played around with some stream of consciousness (just hints of it, not too much) kind of thing. I love writing that perspective, and I wish I have more of mine on this site, but it's hard to write lengthy ones. I totally admire Faulkner for being able to write books on it. Anyways, on with the show!

Warnings: Sex, somewhat cursing, and potentially embarrassing situations. Not much else, really.

OoO

Dan peeked through the slit in the door to the bathroom, feeling shame well up in his stomach but not caring as he palmed himself through his jeans. This was so, so dirty (and pretty creepy, to be honest), but Dan was so, so horny and tired and _fuck_, he really couldn't help it. His eyes glazed over as he gazed at the ebony-haired boy humming lightly in the shower, completely unaware that his best friend hand-fucked himself to the visage of his naked body.

When Phil announced that he needed a shower "desperately" and walked off to the bathroom, Dan's ears perked up and he groaned under his breath. Weeks flew by since Dan had gotten even a blowjob, and it was _months_ since he had been properly fucked. He craved the touch of another, more specifically Phil. Fantasies were enough for a while, but while they lived together for years, Dan had never seen his roommate actually naked.

Dan didn't know when it started, this lust (it really wasn't love, nosiree, because that complicated things and Dan really couldn't handle that). Phil was just an innocent victim, and Dan was sure that it was lo—lust that clouded his mind and made the voice inside his head whisper dirty, dirty thoughts about the older boy. Because _really_, Phil was just so _cute_ and Dan had needed _someone_ to jerk off to, and Phil just happened to be around, that's all (for years, ever since he met the boy, Dan had—no). So it couldn't be helped, honestly. It was just pure lust and loneliness that made him (scream night after night, images of Phil in his head as Dan cried out the ebony-haired boy's name again and again until he came hard into his hand and all over the sheets) sexually frustrated, and really anyone would do at this point (_oh God Phil, Phil, PhilPhilPhil)_.

Dan tried to bite back his moans as he watched a trail of water trickle down Phil's face and down, down to his chest and stomach and _oh God_. The friction of the jeans kind of hurt, and for that Dan was glad, because he felt incredibly guilty and indescribably turned on at the same time. Dan tasted blood in his mouth from biting his lip in order to keep quiet; the coppery, bitter taste slid down his throat and he desperately wanted it to be something _else_ (no, he would never, ever want that because it would mean that Dan sullied Phil's innocence, but it was so _hot_ and he lo—no.)

Heat pooled in his groin and his vision blurred as he felt his impending orgasm threaten to swallow him whole. Waves of pleasure rocked through him, his legs turning to jelly as he tried desperately to remain standing. A small whimper escaped his lips, and he clamped his free hand over his mouth. He saw Phil pause in his shower, looking over at the doorway. Dan quickly moved aside, breathing heavily with his heartbeat hammering in his ears.

He heard the shower turn off and the padding of feet on the tiled floor. Dan froze like a deer in headlights as he saw the doorknob turn slowly. He booked it out of there, not caring if his feet made a sound (oh God, why do the floorboards creak so loud when you're trying to be _quiet_), and ran back into his bedroom and closed the door as quietly as he could. His heartbeat pounded in his ears, and fear creeped up in him like an old friend (he tried to ignore the tightness in his chest and the sense of thrill peeking around the corners). Jumping in his bed, Dan managed, with a little finagling, to cover himself with the sheets by the time he heard footsteps outside of his door.

"Dan?" The barrier muffled Phil's voice, but Dan could clearly hear the hesitation and confusion in the older boy's tone.

Dan clenched his eyes shut, trying to take a deep breath and remain calm. It wasn't working. He tried as casually as he could, "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" Worry laced Phil's words, and Dan would have smiled at the concern if he hadn't just been caught doing something that no one should _ever_ do (even if you _are_ in lo—).

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dan called out, proud of himself that his voice only shook a little. "Why do you ask?"

Silence reigned for a moment, and it was deafening to Dan's ears and heart. Phil's voice was so soft that Dan could barely hear it when the ebony-haired boy asked, "Can I come in?"

_No._ "Uh, yeah."

The doorknob turned slowly, and Dan watched it with a sense of dread. Time slowed as the door crept open inch by inch, and suddenly Phil was standing in his doorway staring into Dan's eyes and _fuck_, he knew. Shame welled up in the younger boy, and he quickly avoided the penetrating stare and opted to look at his bed instead. Picking off a piece of lint from the bedspread and trying to remain composed, Dan whispered, "I'm sorry. God, I'm so, _so_ sorry."

A pressure next to his feet made the brunette look up, and he saw that Phil had perched himself near the end of the bed: Close enough that Dan saw the unreadable look on Phil's face, but far enough to give the brunette some much needed space. Phil's voice was soft. "Why? I mean, why now?"

"I don't know," Dan admitted, trying to search his own mind for a proper answer but coming up short. Well, except for the little voice that always rang at him when Phil was around, saying bad things like lo—_shut up._

Silence reigned, and Dan's eyes clenched shut in mortification. Fuck, this was so awkward. What do you say in a situation like this? Dan had totally violated Phil's privacy and broke just about every rule of friendship ever. He wouldn't be surprised if Phil hated him now. _Leave it to me to fuck things up._

"Oi, look at me," Phil spoke softly; almost as if he was talking to a wild animal he was trying to calm. Dan shook his head, eyes remaining closed. "Dan, c'mon." Another shake. _No._

Dan heard a soft sigh and felt a hand grasp his chin. His eyes popped open when he felt a light pressure on his lips. Phil was _kissing_ him? Of all the reactions to have, _this_ was what the older boy settled for. Frozen in shock, Dan didn't move. Phil was persistent, though, and bit down lightly on Dan's lips. Gasping, Dan's mouth fell open and suddenly the kiss deepened. Dan found his eyes slipping shut of their own accord, and he started to give in, groaning slightly as Phil's tongue swiped across his lips. Phil tasted like candy, sugary sweet and sinfully delicious. A groan fell from Dan's lips.

As soon as it had started it was over, and Dan found himself opening his eyes, curious. Phil was looking back at him searchingly, as if trying to read the brunette's thoughts. Both boys were silent for a few moments; Dan was too shocked to speak and Phil looked like he was waiting for something.

It was Phil who broke the silence, his voice light like air. "So I guess that's not what you were expecting, eh?"

Dan shook his head, his mouth closed and mind blank for once.

Phil continued. "Well, I've kind of known for a while that you fancied me. Like, a _really_ long while. I was just waiting for you to say something, but you never did, so I just kept waiting. I gave you plenty of opportunities, you know. I would walk by your room every night to say goodnight, hoping that one day you'd tell me everything. But you never did. And then I realized something the other day: You were still trying to deny your feelings for me.

"It made sense, you know. You always gave me these little looks, like you were afraid of something. I would see you staring at me from the corner of my eye with this sort of tortured expression on your face. Like you were trying to come to some sort of conclusion or something. I've noticed it for a few weeks now, and it made me sad that you were fighting so much with yourself. I really wanted to tell you that I knew, help you out, but I figured that I might scare you off, and I really didn't want that.

"And then today. I have to admit, mate, that this was kind of a weird way to show affection. But I'm not grossed out, really; I'm honestly flattered. And it made something _happen_, which I've been waiting so long for. Because I was getting tired of waiting, really.

"So now I can say this: I love you, Daniel. So much more than you realize. I've loved you since I met you, and no matter what happens today, I always will. And I know I have a pretty high probability of scaring you away right now, but at least I can say it now, and you might hear it through that thick skull of yours. I love you, Daniel Howell, and I really want you to go ahead and let me," Phil finished somewhat shakily. The ebony-haired boy looked into Dan's eyes as he confessed, and Dan was one hundred percent sure that Phil meant every last word.

Voices clamored in Dan's mind, and he tried to think over the rushing of his thoughts. Love. Love was such a petty word, said too much and often misused. Phil loved Dan, yes, but did Dan love Phil? Was he just too blind, too in denial, to notice it? _Yes. Yesyesyes._ The noise in his head lessened and only one thought remained: _I love Phil. I love him. Phil. PhilPhilPhil._ A new sense of joy and elation ran through Dan, and the brunette almost gasped at the lightheaded feeling that accompanied the thoughts. Weeks and weeks (who was he kidding, _years_) had gone by while he suffered internally, and all of a sudden it was an immense relief, like all those weeks (years) had been for nothing, because here he was in love with his best friend (who loved him back) and the brunette was now insanely happy for the first time in _ages_.

"So you're not mad?" Dan reiterated slowly, his voice raw and scratchy.

Phil laughed. "No, not really."

"Okay," Dan said. "Just making sure."

"So I confess my undying love for you, and all you have to say is 'okay'?" Phil groaned, but the words lacked heat and there was a smile tugging at his lips. "You might need to get your head looked at, mate."

"I _definitely_ do," Dan agreed, thankful for the way that they had fallen back into their usual banter despite the heavy subject. "So, uh…what do we do now?" _Smooth, Dan, real smooth._

"Well," Phil put a finger to his chin, eyes raised skyward as he pretended to ponder. Then he shot Dan such an intense stare that pierced through all of Dan's defenses, and Dan was pretty sure that his heart was beating a million times too fast when the boy said with a smirk, "I thought we might continue where you left off."

Bam. Ka-_pow_. The words zapped straight to Dan's groin and he almost groaned aloud. Clutching the comforter tighter, Dan felt his heart and breath quickening. God, it was so, so long since someone had even _looked_ at him in that way, really paid attention, and it gave Dan goosebumps to know that it was _Phil_._ Phil, Phil, PhilPhilPhil._

"I think," Dan squeaked, clearing his throat and trying to remain composed, "that it would be a good idea."

Phil smiled then, really smiled, and Dan felt his cheeks heat up. "You're really cute when you're embarrassed."

And then the ebony-haired boy was so close to Dan that it hurt in so, so many ways. Phil's lips were a hairbreadth away, and Dan shivered and licked his lips in anticipation. He was not disappointed, as soon soft and supple lips claimed his own. A pink tongue darted out to swipe at Dan's bottom lip, and the brunette opened his mouth in compliance. Their tongues swirled lazily around each other's in an unhurried pace. Phil was taking his time with this, and while Dan was grateful that the ebony-haired boy was being gentle, Dan's need seeped into his bones like wine on a pale shirt.

Dan put his hand on Phil's hips and dug his fingernails into the soft flesh beneath the waistband, trying to tell Phil without words of his need. He was rewarded with a chuckle, and Phil peeled off the sheets and placed a hand on Dan's apparent erection. There it remained, a feather light touch, and Dan groaned. He broke the kiss almost reluctantly.

"Please," Dan whimpered, "don't tease me. I don't think I could handle it."

Phil chuckled again, amusement dancing in his blue eyes and the corners of his mouth quirking up. "Got it."

Suddenly Dan was pushed against the headboard, the wood pressing into this back as Phil brought his hips to meet Dan's harshly. Groaning at the delicious friction and ignoring the slight pain at his back, Dan felt his senses heightened by the previous orgasm from ten minutes ago. His nerves were on fire, and he let out a shaky moan as Phil rutted up against him messily. Craving the feeling of skin against skin, Dan whimpered, "Please."

Phil pulled back and nodded, swiftly relieving both Dan and himself of their shirts. Icy cold hands traveled down Dan's chest, and Dan shivered at the way the touches burned his skin. Short, bitten nails scratched slightly as they went down, and the pain was heightened in Dan's current state. God, that was such a turn-on. Dan never knew why, but he found nails digging into his skin so hot, the way pain turns into pleasure in the most delicious way.

Phil's hands stopped at the dip in Dan's hips, toying with the waistband of Dan's jeans. At the questioning gaze, the brunette nodded slowly, giving his permission wordlessly. Phil's hands were shaking slightly as he undid the button and unzipped the fly. He slid Dan's jeans off, and the younger boy helped by kicking the skinny jeans away when they were down to his ankles. Dan was glad that he had not worn his boxers today, because the soft gasp that slid from Phil's lips made the brunette feel warm inside.

Eyes raking appreciatively over Dan's form, Phil held a soft smile and a look of awe on his face. Feeling his cheeks burn, Dan felt honored and a little humbled at the approving stare. He had never really felt good about his body; it was decent, sure, but pride escaped him when he would look into the mirror. To have someone looking at him in _that_ way made shivers run down Dan's back.

Phil leaned up on his knees and fumbled with the zipper on his jeans, frowning slightly when it didn't open. Dan found it slightly ironic, given that Phil's fly was in a constant state of 'open'. "Here, let me."

Dan's hands were just as shaky as Phil's, but he managed with some finagling to unzip the fly and tug the offending article of clothing down Phil's hips. The ebony-haired boy kicked the jeans off, and Dan was pleased to know that Phil wasn't wearing any underwear, either.

Phil was patient as Dan took in the older boy's form, eyes and mind clouding over with lust. God, Phil was so _perfect_, and Dan tried to memorize the sight for future reference. His hands twitched and reached out of their own accord, grabbing Phil's hips softly and gently. Phil's face lit up at the gesture, and Dan felt proud that only _he_ could make Phil smile like that, and resolved to make that expression appear more often. For now, though, Dan wanted to make those lips moan.

Feeling bold, Dan pulled Phil's hips harshly to meet his own, and both boys groaned at the contact and the feeling of their members meeting without the barrier of cloth. In contrast to Phil's hands, the ebony-haired boy's body was warm and every place they connected sent tingles on Dan's flesh.

Phil's hand tilted Dan's chin up and Dan's lips were captured in a heated kiss, their tongues battling for dominance, as the air around them became suddenly heavy and way too hard to breathe. Dan could just _feel_ the confident aura emitted by the older boy, and he relaxed as he let Phil lead the way. He had done both sides before, but being on bottom was just so much better because he was being taken _care_ of, and it was nice to let someone take the reins and shower him with love.

Breaking the kiss, Phil leaned over to the side to reach for something that was out of sight. Dan knew exactly what he was looking for, and wondered just how Phil knew where Dan kept it. An 'aha' fell from the ebony-haired boy's lips and he suddenly reclaimed his position, holding up a bottle filled with ruby-red liquid.

Phil raised an eyebrow. "Cherry?"

"I hate coconuts," was Dan's simple reply.

Phil laughed, and the beautiful sound sent shivers down Dan's spine. Hearing someone laugh was like a window to their soul, whether it was a loud and crazy one or a soft chuckle. Phil's laughs were the best of all, Dan thought, because they sounded like a sweet serenade every time the brunette heard them. He could get drunk just off hearing the sound, and he wanted to know all the different sounds that Phil made; he wanted to be the one to _make_ Phil utter those kinds of sounds.

"Lay down more and lift up your knees," Phil commanded softly. Dan nodded and did as he was told. Head hitting the pillow, Dan pressed his back into the soft mattress. He couldn't really see Phil from this angle all that well, but he trusted the ebony-haired boy completely. Instead of craning his neck to peek at Phil, Dan's eyes moved to the ceiling as he waited.

Dan heard the sound of the bottle opening, and he couldn't help but tense in anticipation. Soon he felt a feather light touch down below, and slid his eyes shut. A finger slid into him slowly, and Dan gasped slightly at the intrusion. He knew that he was really tight from his dry spell, and he hoped that it wouldn't hurt _too_ badly when it came to the real deal. It was kind of hot, though, and he would give anything to take it all back and be able to give his virginity to Phil. But the past was gone, now, and Dan felt a tight feeling in his chest as he realized that a new future was now paved before him. _Hopefully_. He willed the thought away and concentrated on the feeling of the digit inside of him.

Phil's finger curled around inside of Dan, and Dan let out a piercing moan that echoed in the room as the digit brushed up against his prostate. A chuckle resounded and suddenly Dan's prostate was hit over and over again, turning Dan into a quivering mess. He barely felt it as two more fingers slipped inside of him, stretching him out in preparation for something that would be immensely more satisfying.

The fingers withdrew, and Dan whimpered at the loss. He let out a sharp gasp, however, as he felt Phil's member push up against his entrance. Out of habit, Dan's legs wrapped around Phil's waist, drawing him in. Dan opened his eyes and saw the ebony-haired boy hovering over him, a searching look on his face. Dan nodded to the unasked question.

Slowly the older boy pushed into him, and Dan groaned softly at the feeling of being filled. It was always a weird feeling at first, being stretched in a weird place and having something inside of you. It burned slightly, but it was a good kind of burn: Pain and pleasure at the same time. Dan bit his lip and shifted, trying to will the stinging pain away.

"God, so _tight_," Phil's groaned breathily, and Dan felt himself heating up at the words. He was pleased that Phil liked his body, and that Dan could make the ebony-haired boy react that way without even getting to the best part. Phil's voice took on a dazed but slightly worried tone. "You all right?"

"Yeah," Dan muttered shakily. "Go ahead."

Phil slowly withdrew, and Dan whimpered slightly at the loss. Then Phil snapped his hips and _oh God_, _that felt good_. Mouth in a perfect 'O' shape, Dan's mind lost coherency and all he could think of was _Phil, Phil, PhilPhilPhil._ Moans fell from his lips and the groans of both boys echoed in the small room. Every breath was a scream and each time Phil moved his hips sent shockwaves throughout Dan's body.

The bed whined in protest as the two boys fell into a rhythm. Dan's legs clenched tight around Phil's waist in an effort to bring himself closer to the ebony-haired boy. Phil didn't hold back, and Dan was glad because he wanted this for so, _so_ long and he wanted to take everything and receive everything from the older boy. _Oh God, PhilPhilPhil._

Dan's member ached, devoid of any touch that might relieve its pain. Hand creeping between their joined bodies, Dan palmed himself roughly and quickly. He thought with a small smile how ironic this all was. Just moments ago, he had been jerking off to a completely different and taboo visage, and now here he was making love to his longtime crush (love) and best friend.

His thoughts took a nosedive as Phil hit _that_ spot and _oh God, again!_ Dan cried, "There! Right there!"

Getting the hint, Phil nodded and rolled his hips in a quick movement. Dan whimpered, nerves exploding and body on fire. Phil shifted so that he had easier access to the bundle of nerves that made Dan cry out. Soon Dan was a shaky mess, his moans turning into sobs as he tried to gulp in air. He felt heat pool in his belly and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. His free hand groped around Phil's back, looking for someplace to grab, and Dan settled for clutching the ebony-haired boy's shoulder. Nails digging into the skin, Dan warned, "Phil!"

Nodding, Phil sped up his movements, and Dan rolled his hips for more friction, driving Phil deeper into himself. Dan could tell that Phil was also close from the way the older boy bit his lip and the sloppiness of his thrusts. _Just a little more_. Phil's name fell from Dan's lips like a prayer, a crescendo of cries that made Dan feel giddy and loved and indescribably happy at the same time. _PhilPhilPhil oh God Phil._

The pressure built up until Dan couldn't take it anymore, and he cried out as orgasm washed through him and he came all over his hand and stomach. He continued to palm himself and rode it as much as he could, his nerves on fire as Phil continued to thrust into him. The ebony-haired boy followed soon after, groaning as he emptied himself into the brunette. His movements slowed, and Dan could feel Phil's member twitch inside of him. Dan's heart hammered in his chest as he attempted to catch his breath and try not to think too much about what had just transpired.

Phil slid out of Dan and the brunette removed his legs from the older boy's waist, allowing Phil to roll off of Dan and onto the comforter. Phil whispered, "Wow."

"Yeah," Dan whispered just as quietly, looking up at the ceiling before shifting himself to face Phil. The sting of pain made him wince slightly, but he waved off Phil's concerned look. "I'm fine. Just really, _really_ out of shape."

Phil laughed breathily. "I guess we'll have to do it some more until you're fit again."

Dan's heart sped up, and he giggled slightly. "Yeah, we should. Although I'll have to take a rain check, because I can't really move right now."

Phil grinned. "That good?"

Rolling his eyes, Dan playfully retorted, "Don't get ahead of yourself, mate. I swear to God if you get all cocky on me, I'm going to—"

Dan couldn't finish his sentence because suddenly Phil's lips were on his own, and the action was so sweet that it made Dan smile into the kiss. He couldn't get over the way that Phil tasted: It was sugary sweet, almost like candy. They broke apart and Phil smiled so beautifully that Dan's chest ached. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do this."

Feeling bold (after all, they shared so much already), Dan asked in a forced casual tone, "How long?"

"Since just about forever," Phil answered in a hushed voice. "I imagined it so many times, but everything pales in comparison to _this._ God, you're so beautiful, and I love every thing about you."

"I'm sure you don't love _everything_ about me," Dan murmured, years of self-doubt creeping into his mind like a pale ghost.

"I do," Phil stated, looking into Dan's eyes. Dan almost cried at the pure affection, the utter _love_ he found in those brilliant blue orbs. It pushed past Dan's barriers (all of them, all of those _years_ with no one and nothing), made him feel whole and loved. He never used to believe that he would find someone so _perfect_ that made him feel complete in so many ways. Now there was Phil (_PhilPhilPhil_), and Dan could see a bright and shining future ahead for both of them. Their paths converged, leaving one brilliant path that stretched on for miles and miles (and hopefully forever).

"I love you," Dan whispered, saying it aloud for both Phil and himself. His heart was open and raw, and it felt good to admit it, to say it out loud.

"Finally," Phil gave that beautiful smile again. "I've been waiting to hear that since the day I met you."


End file.
